Then let them eat cake

There once was a time of darkness and depression. A time in which mediocre meals and unsatisfying snacks ruled all. A time in which many temporal pleausres were shunted aside in favor of the inexpensive staples Ramen and PB&J. A time without cake.

But, lo! A beacon of light shone upon this cakeless era. And that beacon was called: Jorph and Sparks decide to get off their asses, go to Wal-Mart and bake a cake.

The expanses of Wal-Mart were dark and treacherous, deadly distractions coming at every turn. Despite mortal peril and the threat of a most certain death by grocery cart accidnet, our heroes made it to the baking aisle, and after much deliberation, decided on a Red Velvet cake with vanilla icing (which Sparks thought was quite stupid, because everyone knows that Red Velvet cakes are supposed to have cream cheese icing). And additional purchase was made of special red icing for the top with which to write a comical, yet profound message on the top of our cake.

The journey home was filled with glee and anticipation of what was to come. Once in Jorph's kitchen, we faced even more harships in the way of: lack of crisco, lack of backing pans, lack of a spatula, and for Jorph, lack of common sense. His dumb oven didn't want to work, either. But, in the face of this eminent danger, Sparks and Jorph triumphed in the face of adversity, concocting a most delicious double-layer cake with the legend "Jorph and Sparks rock" on the top (because it was 1 a.m., and their wits were running low).

Today the culinary masterpiece was feasted upon by the bakers, and the peasnats rejoiced, facing the oppression of dull foods no more.

Harry Potter: a post mortem

Alright. It's over, done, finished. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince..........fucking balls, man.

For anyone who cares, here's what I think about that whole business.

WARNING: HERE BE SPOILERS!!!!!

First of all, not my favorite book by far. The first two chapters were amazing, particularly "Spinner's End" as were the last 3-4 chapters; those are worth reading the entire book for. The rest of it lacked motivation for me, though. I realize that this book is more of a "now we're going to answer a lot of questions" thing, and that's fine, but I think the story suffered because of that (which it's bound to do when you're trying to give a lot of backstory). In the previous books, there was always a definitive story that was being told, and you knew what where things were going, and what was driving the plot, this time you don't. It's more of a "year in the life of" story, there's a lot of everyday life. No one central theme going throughout, really, but a lot of smaller stories that you can tell are going to be brought further together in Book 7. You get the feeling that Rowling was thinking, "alright, I've got a ton of things to explain, and only 2 more chances to do it, so open the floodgates." I think this one will be very easy to make into a movie.

A lot of the plot was spread really thin to make room for more explanations, so when everything was wrapped up at the end, you get a mild sense of deus ex machina. As in Hermione just happens to uncover all these things about Snape's parentage, the R.A.B. business (which undoubtedly will be explained later), etc. In the rest of the series, there was always an "ooohhhh" moment where everything from the rest of the book comes together, and this didn't have that. Not that it has to, she could be going for something different this time. But, I still wanted more support for things that happened at the end.

There has never been so much sex at Hogwarts. Man, oh man. When the Fat Lady changes the password to "abstinence" you know something's up. I fully expected Harry and Ron to become more involved with girls, but I think that this was a bit of overkill. I never wanted Harry and Ginny to be together. It was just too perfect. And I knew he was going to play the "we can't be together because you'll be at higher risk" card; I thought Rowling could pull it off as not beng clichéd, but she failed. And Ron and Hermione still aren't together. I never really wanted them to be, either, but I'll accept them more than I will Harry and Ginny.

Harry's no longer a whiny, emo bitch. Thank God.

We got less of Ron and Hermione, this time. Dont' think Hermione's character really grew at all, and Ron's did only in the aspect that he finally got a boner.

During Order of the Phoenix I didn't cry after Sirius's fall. I got really angry and upset, but I never crued. This time, though.......whoa. I cried. As in bawled. Tears of anguish. Mostly because of the way it was done; it wasn't just Dumbledore's death, it was his death at the hands of someone he trusted, someone he begged to let him live, and Harry was there watching it. I have seriously never felt so betrayed in my life; I was so sure that Snape was on Dumbledore's side, that no matter what he might appear to be, Dumbledore's trust was well placed. I'm still trying to rationalize what he did. I want to think he was under the Imperious, or confunded, or something. Rowling has some major explaining to do next time. At the same time, I'm a bit amused by the fact that, yet again, we're going to need a new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher.

I'm still wondering what's going on with Wormtail. He's been conspicuously absent for way too long.

And the mysterious R.A.B.......possibly Regulus Black?

1-800-Dysfunctional family

I received my first drunk dial.

From my father.

I'll be fucked if that wasn't weird.

The slurred speach, the random fits of laughter, all signs pointed to drunk. I knew something was up when the first words out of his mouth were, "You're not getting married or nothing, are you?" He then proceeded to shout in my ear all sorts of affectionate endearments, followed by the inebriated staple "I love you, man." I have yet to receive the obligatory "hey, did I call you?" follow up, and am not exactly sure how to handle that when (if) it comes.

I'm not sure if the fact that I haven't seen him in 2 years makes this more or less awkward.

Gone fission, be back later

A lonely man sits alone at a table, sipping his iced tea, and staring at the menu. He sets the menu down, hands in his lap, and lets his head slowly tilt from side to side, eyes downcast. His wife has just died the month before, and he still grieves.

Or something like that.

This man walks into the restaurant every Monday and Wednesday morning without fail. He's blonde, looks in his mid twenties, dresses always in greys and blacks, and often carries a study bible. He sits alone, has no usual table, and orders something different everytime (the latter two traits very strange for regular customers). Active imagination being what it is, several scenarios push their way into my mind about why he's here so often alone. Among my favorites: the aforementioned death of his wife, he seeking to drown his sorrows in lasagna; a former man of the cloth excommunicated from the Church, a la The Night of the Iguana; or he's Batman.

Yesterday, he showed up for dinner. Dinner. On a Tuesday. It was like watching a dog walk on its hind legs. The enitre time he sat at his table (eating Chicken Capone this time), I kept thinking of ways to initiate conversation; I had to meet this guy. Upon asking the other waiters, I discovered that no one else had ever noticed him come in once. Being alone almost makes you invisible.

On his way out, he asks me for a To Go menu, and I plunge ahead, asking him (quite bluntly, acutally) why he always comes Mon. and Wed. mornings, why he always comes alone, and why he's here tonight. He looked at me, mildly self-conscious, and replied:

"I'm a scientist from Detroit, working on a nuclear fission research project at [the University I go to]. I'll be in town for another week, and then I'm off. This place has the best food in town."

He then gave me a lopsided grin, and exited. I think I may be in love with him.

Madonna's real name is actually Madonna

So Hydrass has escaped the world of Blogger and relocated to......some weird ass blog hosting service (or something along those lines) that I've never heard of. And he's changed his name to "The Mad Scientist." I cry foul. Just deciding to up and leave? Am I to refer to you as TMS?

That, coupled with the fact the CW has changed his layout, is making my head spin. All this change so quickly. I don't know what to do with myself.

This may actually be the prompting I need to finally go through with my own name change. Getting sick of the "SOL" jokes. This could require some thought.

Jedi seeks council

There are times when you desperately want to write something but fear of upsetting your audience prevents you from doing so. At times like this, one must take a nod from The Fifth Sun and FUCK THE AUDIENCE. As such.....

There is an undeniable necessity of communication between people who cohabitate, yet a contradictory trend of withholding any grievances in favor of letting them fester.

General offences and ways to dull my Spark*:

• condescend to me
• make a Very Large, Very Important decision about current living status without giving any notice
• put a stop to my naked cartwheels
• set free the 13 midgets in my closet
• be as closed minded as possible
• interfere with my piracy (there's still a lot of booty out there.......think about it)
• render all opinions other than yours null and void
• insult HP or DHP

Circumstances being what they are, I should say something. But. I am spineless. I am passive agressive. Please send all suggestions, advice, pearls of wisdom, naked pictures, etc. to sparkxofxlife@yahoo.com

*today's corny metaphor is brought to you by the letter "C"^
^which stands for "concubine"

Blame Canada

So I've just found out that today is Canada day. Apparently. Fucking Canadians. Although this completely uproots my belief system that all Candians are nutso maniacs who smoke the reefer, I'd like to take this time to say, "Happy Canada Day." Hydrass and CW (though not technically a Canadian), this one's for you.

Seriously, though, I have nothing against the Canada. It just seems like a cool thing to make fun of you guys. Kind of like Michael Jackson jokes.

Listening to Natalie Imbruglia at 3 in the morning

You know that feeling you get when you drive across one state and into the next, only to turn directly around and return home at 4 a.m.? Because I do.

After a long day at work, I went up to the Jedi Temple where Red and Jorph were munching away on Wendy's Spicey Chicken Combos. The topic of discussion: my apparent lack of spontaneity.
"Sparks, let's go have an adventure. Let's drive somewhere," intoned Jorph.
"Like, where?"
"Uummm.....where the fuck ever?"

And so it began; our journey to where the fuck ever, and a cure for my overly-scheduled existance. The trip itself was the only thing exceptionally noteworthy, nothing drug or alcohol induced. No travails with midgets and turkeys. No wild sex (which Jorph is still lamenting). No dead hookers (okay, that was a lie. dead hookers and I are never far apart). Conversations had were v.v. interesting, thought provoking, and insightful. A sample:

He: ....So if you were on a ship -
Me: A ship?
He: Yeah. You know, like a fuckin'.......ship. Or something....

Me: It's pretty creepy out here. There's a sign for a giant cult.
He: You know, if we were in a horror movie, we'd be the first to go because we're virgins.
Me: ...............
He: Of course, I could fix -
Me: (sound of me kicking him. In the shins.)

We crossed the state line, almost got raped by a convience store murderess on our way back. Throw in a naked cartwheel or two, and you've got a great night.