Putafest 2005: the Reunion (part I - background)

The time: March, 2004

It was a dark time in the age of downstage theatre. Patrons had yet to be moved, and visions were not yet fufilled. Then, lo! A light shone upon The Vag, coming from the general direction of El Salvador. Inspiration flooded the almighty Vag; auditions were held, shows cast, rehearsals took place, an audiences were floored. Oh, yes, I am speaking of Nicholas Patricca's The Fifth Sun.

The individuals who forged this production together coined themselves: the Putas. These amazing students learned in the span of one month how to put their balls on anything that moved, and bonded throughout the process.....some might even say that they became a "cult" of sorts. They enganged in several questionable practices such as naked cartwheels, teabagging (and the occasional taco drop), ritualistic dancing, and sacrifices to Nanautzin. Absinthe was ingested, chimmichangas were eaten, vaginas were touched, chi was harnessed, and sassy feet were tapped at with the Jesus Stick. And of course, the fucking. Oh, the Fucking. No, not that, you sick freak - get your mind out of the gutter (and into El Salvador). I'm talking about this:

The Fifth Sun *Fuck* List
Fuck Doubt.
Fuck the President.
Fuck the Drums.
Fuck the Lines.
Fuck Fine.
Fuck the Catholic Church.
Fuck Sounding Stupid.
Fuck the Lights.
Fuck Good.
Fuck Ethics.
Fuck the Guardians.
Fuck Superb.
Fuck the Audience!

If you have ever been given a pair of balls by The Vag you are a puta.

If you have ever worn those balls around your neck you are a puta.

If you have ever asked the question "Is this where I move to 3 facing 6 with my head turned to 4.5?" you are a puta.

If you have ever put the Body of Christ into a tupperware container marked "Body of Christ" you are a puta.

If you know who Nanautzin is you are a puta.

If you have ever watched the Spanish dubbed version of the movie "Romero" you are a puta.

If you have ever harrnessed your chi around a Mayan altar then you are most definitely a puta!

A true Puta understands that sometimes it is not sufficient to wear only one mask onstage at a time, rather you must adorm yourself with two, even if it takes an act of engineering genius to affix one on top of the other. A puta will preferably have black hair but exceptions will be made for special cases (i.e. pale-freckled nuns, Aryan assistant directors, and sassy brunette stage managers). A puta can also recite the prolouge from "Romeo and Juliet" while shaking out all the homesexual tension in their wrists and ankles. Putas can tell you how to say the following words in Spanish: stapler, bacon, hippoptamos, computer, and pubic hair.

Putas are multi-talented.
Putas stick together.

Putas have dance-offs in The Vag's bedroom and feast on chimichangas. They know that it isn't a party unless there is guacamole and plenty of bitch drinks (and a 40 for the Arab!). Ask a Puta to perform a nude cartwheel, taco-drop, or an act of tea-bagging and they will do it.
Vivas las putas.

Stay tuned tomorrow for Part II: the Reunion. PRESENTE!!!

With contributions from Méghan Adriel Dwyer, otherwise known as The Vag.