Right now I am not so good.

Merry Christmas, you filthy animal

It is exactly 31 days past Christmas. And the other day at work I caught a glimpse of a remnant of the holidays so blindingly out of place that it gave me pause - I saw a sweater lady. Oh, yes, you know of which I speak. I don't mean just a regular sweater with a snowflake on it, oh no. We're talking the bright red knit variety sweater complete with tassels, bells, puffs, and lights that actually flash, depicting a scene of holiday cheer. These sweaters are often accompanied by matching seasonal earrings, a handbag, socks, or even a furry hat with antlers. Yes, antlers; it happens - I've seen it. In my experience there are two kinds of sweater ladies:

1.The loud, bawdy, obnoxious women with no idea that they look like an overdecorated snowbeast

2.The ones who know exactly what they're doing and either revel in it, or the Christmas spirit has just compelled them to look to adorn themselves in as much festive garb as they can get their hands on. (my mother is of this persuasion)

Let me just say that I have absolutely nothing against this style of dress. In fact, I love these women; they make me smile in my deepest heart of hearts and give me the feeling of warm hot chocolate running down my throat. Anyone who has met me knows that I'm full to the brim with Christmas cheer. But. If my cheer ever extends anywhere near the realm of becoming one of these women (particularly at a time so far past the holidays), strangle me with a piece of tinsle and stuff some mistletoe down my throat.

Audition, the Miniseries: part IV

Cast list up. Am Maggie in States of Grace. Good role, what I expected to get, bit of a let down. The thing is I just wanted to be considered..................... Let me try and then you can tell me I was totally wrong and not cast me. But don't pigeon-hole me from the begining. I shouldn't complain. I sound like whiney child to my own ears, so I can't imagine what it sounds like to everyone else. I just can't let myself go into this with a bad attitude. I don't think the role will be much of a stretch for me, but then with that mindset I'll never discover anything that's there, even if there's a chance.

Pushing away any negative feelings can only get me so far, though. I've been just pushing down all the frustration I feel in favor of a mask of normalcy and nonchalance. I need to just let myself be disappointed and then move on.

Audition, the Miniseries: part III

Callbacks. What a supreme disappointment. There was a role that I wanted so bad, I could taste it. I worked it, read it over and over. They didn't read me for it once. And I knew. I knew in the back of my mind that that would happen. That I would be overlooked in favor of putting me in a role which would be easier, more obvious, for me to fill. And I read for that one, but my heart wasn't in it. I'd read for that type of role a hundred times before, and I've played it just as many. I might not even get it, though; the reading wasn't the best I've ever done.

Hey, Department of Theatre, why don't you challenge me once in a freaking while. Seriously. Sure, you could give me the bitch roles. The sluts, the prostitutes, the villians. But you're here to teach me what I don't know. Give me something that I've never done before. Goddamnit. I had the exact same trouble in high school, and I have no idea why. I'm quite possibly the most milquetoast, pure, innocent, goofy person that it's possible to be, and I get cast as the villianess. Fuck me.

All of that aside, the part wouldn't be bad, if I got it. It's just........if only.....

Audition, the Miniseries: part II

Called back for Maggie and Grace for the Playreading Festival's States of Grace. No call back for Night of the Iguana. I'd be lying if I said Iw asn't a bit disappointed, even though I didn't really expect to get a call back anyway. Whatev. I go into tonight at 7:30, and I know this one is going to be rough on me; the competition is tough.

Audition, the Miniseries: part I

It's that time again.

Auditioned this morning for The Night of the Iguana and the Playreading Festival, both of which were quite laid back, and less nerve-wracking than normal. Monologue for playreading went well. When the director offers you a kolache before your read, you know it's going to be a good audition. I'm not sure which I want more, if you'd asked me a month ago I would have said Iguana, but the plays for playreading really have my interest. And if I were cast in Iguana I'd have to start rehearsals now, which means no working which means no money, which means I have to start turning tricks again. Damn. Call backs posted tomorrow at noon. Fingers crossed.

Alright, let's go get the shit kicked out of us by love

You know that feeling you get when a guy that lives on the other side of the country, and who you're missing terribly, randomly shows up at your door on New Year's Eve and proceeds to make the first week of January the best in recent memory? Because I do.

I feel completely ridiculous; I used to make fun of people who behave the way I have been for the past few months. Blissfully happy. In what is possibly the giddiest mood I have ever been in, I feel like I could go out and cure cancer. Right now. And maybe patch the hole in the O-Zone and cease world famine while I'm at it.

What's even more ridiculous is the fact that all signs are pointing to failure. The variables in this equation spell out "Worst Idea Ever," but for some inexplicable reason everything is beyond wonderful. He's all the things I've been trying to avoid, all the things I thought I didn't want. He's moved 1500 miles away, he's much older, and he's an actor, and the way we met is a long story which probably isn't worth posting. And despite all of this I am unbelievably happy. Of course, there is always that ever-present fear that he'll somehow come to his senses and realize that he's just wasting his time with a silly little girl like me. And the distance and the fact that I've still got 18 months of school left are very scary things that have given me pause on more than one occasion. But I'm hoping, oh God, I'm hoping.....

If I believed in such things, I'd say I'm in love.