At what point in my life did I become a tease?

My cousin Adam (who I hope won't mind my using his situation for my benefit) e-mailed me the other day with a girl problem. He has had a crush on a girl for some time, and she has apparently reciprocated his feelings by stufying with him, and going on a semi-date; however, the other day, she informed Adam that she was spoken for. This flustered Adam quite a bit: why would she hang out with someone without having an intention of taking it further, he asked. I replied by saying that I personally have lots of guy friends who I hang with all the time, but have no romantic intentions for.

That got me to thinking about something that people have started telling me recently: I am a tease. Greg in particular has been telling me this a lot, but he's a gomer, and I thought he was just teasing (still got me riled up, though); even when Bonnie and Adam Adolpho joined in, I just thought it was all in good fun. However, the conversation came up again, and Meghan (naked cartwheels in the woods Meghan) concurred that I was something of a tease, in the sense that I don't know that I'm a tease, which makes me one even moreso, I guess. That's what got me. I repsect Meghan's opinion more than almost anyone's, so for her to suppoort the argument..........I just laid back and went "dude."

Looking back at all the would-be relationships with John, Wicks, James, and Tim (well, not so much Tim. actually not at all with Tim), I was just trying to be friends with them, and things just got out of hand. I hung out with them as friends, and I guess I made them think that there could be something more.......? Is that what makes me a tease? I don't know. This has been really frustrating me. I haven't been interested in anyone in ages - who would I be teasing? I don't know how I'm a tease. I don't flirt. At all. Seriously. Unless I'm interested in someone, or they're my friend who I'm just playing around with, I don't flirt. Ever. I'm not that type of person. It's always been this standard that theatre guys are touchy feely, and flirt all the time, even if they're just you friend. Especially if they're just your friend. They're like another girlfriend (sorry, guys). So I guess I never thought that by playing off of them in that way, I would be giving off the impression that I was interested in them. I certainy never thought they were interested in me when they acted that way. I don't know.

Random quote that doesn't apply, but I thought was noteworthy:
"Kids today are just in it for the quick orgasm." - Chad Kinsman

Just and update for the sake of updating. Life has been insanely busy - beginning acting scenes, papers, scheduling for next semester, financial aid stuff, etc, etc. I'm so tired. I feel like it's Fifth Sun time again.

This weekend was fun. Aside from studying insane amounts, went to Will & Grace night at Greg and Devin's. Man, what a fun time. Watched 4 epsiodes, and then Aladdin and The Emporer's New Groove, after which we decided on which Disnery character we would all be. Now, I was quickly named a cross between Esmeralda and Pocahontas. Come on, people! Honestly, how do you get that? I don't see it at all. I'm not even! We're talking Belle all the way, here. Geez. I'm still fuming about this one.

I would like to take this time to address something that has been on my mind for a while, but I thought would die down. However, there was a reoccurance today, and I feel the need to respond. It has come to my attention that people have been commenting in my "Shoutbox" who I either don't know, or are posting strange code names. Firt of all, I would like to say that it is so obscenely wicked awesome that random people may be reading this. Makes me all warm and fuzzy. But, I'm just curious as to who these people are. Of course I know that this blog is an open book that everyone is free to peruse, but I like to know who reads my blog (and why they would be interested in the incessant ramblings of little old me), I guess. Well, that's not exactly it.................How to put it......If some one comments, I'd like to know who they are. Just say that you're "random guy who just surfed on", or something. Unless of course it's one of my friends who, of course, I already know that is. It's weird to see "Red" write something like "A wise man asked me 'do you enjoy her company'....yes" and not know who this "Red" is (and notknow why they enjoy the pleasure of my company - I's kinda like to repay the compliment). I keep seeing these people's names and trying to figure out if I should know them or not. This may seem weird and paranoid, but I've noticed that most of the comments are from people who just leave 2 initials, so I even tried to take all those initials and see if I could make a name out of them (like the name of one of my friends who thought it would be nice to play a joke on me), but I'm probably just nuts. Ah, well. It happens. Maybe I should just remove the shoutbox. Those messages just disappear after a certain number show up, anyway. The comments at then end of the posts are probably more effecient. I hope this doesn't come off as bitchy or anything; I do like it when people comment. I like it a lot - makes me feel important, as if the things that I write actually matter. Heh. But anyway, that's all I've got for today.

So, remember all those things I wrote in my last entry about the aforementioned male? Yeah, consider all remarks about said male null and void. I just took a step back and said, "whoa." I don't know what I was thinking. Nothing against him, but he's just not what I'm looking for - something I always knew, but kinda denied because.....well, I don't really know why. I guess I just wanted some one. Meh. So anyway, that's the end of that. I'm ready to revert back to my old "I'm a Happy, Self-Assured Cold Ice Queen Who Doesn't Need Men To Make Me Happy" ways. It's served me well thus far. Yay.

Today's entry is entitled: I hate Irony.

I think I've said this before, but I'm going to repeat it, because it bears repeating. Since I've started school, I haven't been attracted to a single person, nor have I yet wanted to be in a relationship. However, that's not from lack of effort. Apparently this year the male sex has finally realized that I am indeed a girl, and has decided to act quickly on that realization, much to my dismay. The escapades of James, Tim, Wicks, and John have left me in quite a state - nothing against them, for the most part they're wonderful guys, but I just didn't want or more specifically need a significant other. I'm not a relationship person to begin with, but coupling that relucatance and the schedule that I have, would make it near impossible to make a relationship work. That in and of itself is ironic: that I don't want to be in a relationship, but I can't get away from propositions. But that's all just recap.

Now, there has been a guy that I've been up in the air about for a while; haven't been able to decide quite how I feel about him, or what I want to happen. I did my usual round of "I don't need a relationship, no wait, I should just throw caution to the wind and go for it" , and "Do I really like him, or am I just trying to convince myself that I do, so that I don't come off as an ice-queen again", and various other things. Well, finally I decide what the hell, I'll go for it. The thing that pushed it over the edge for me was that he genuinely seemed to like me, and I think that I liked him a bit. Thus far, the people who have gone after me, haven't really been my cup of tea, and so for me to even have a smidgen of affection for this guy is a big deal. I don't know how I an explain that better. Lemme think........I guess I just thought that sine the feeling is a bit reciprocated by me (even though I was unsure), then I may as well just dive right in, because I don't normally reciprocate. Anyway.

Moving on. Come to find out he isn't looking for a relationship. Yeah. Now, I heard this through the grapevine first, and then it was just confirmed by him about an hour ago. Yeah. Now, I'm not one to freak out over guys; they've just never been that big of a deal to me, and this isn't any different. After all, I was really up in the air about the whole thing. However, I did decided to see where this would lead. That's what perturbed me - that I actually decide to go through with it, and then it turns out to be nothing. So it's not actually him, it's the principle of it. I finally try to get into a relationship, only to be rejected (a harsh word that doesn't really apply here, but I can't think of anything else) by some one in the same mindset that I was in merely days ago. I annoy myself sometimes. And this isn't a big deal, it really isn't. I just needed to vent. Meh.

"Bill Brasky hates Mexicans. Bill Brasky himself is half Mexican. Bill Brasky also hates irony."

About to break for a completely computer-free Easter break, so an update is in order. Now that The Fifth Sun is over, I've been surprisingly stress free. It's freaking me out a bit, actually. And for all this free time that I supposedly now have, I'm still staying up until all hours of the morning. I need to get used to having a normal life again. And now this extended weekend is upon us, and I'm feeling a bit deflated. I wish I had a reason to stay at school, but, alas, tomorrow morning I will grudgingly be making the 3 hour drive back home. I'm not really looking forward to 3 days of annoying siblings, a pestering mother, and a great bullying git of a step-father, the effects of which will all be intensified exponentially after the consumption of masses of Eater candy. On the upside, I'll get to see AHS perform at Area for UIL. Break a leg, you guys, I know you will.

And now for something completely different. After making my decision to stay one extra night in the dorms and save myself from more time with the family, I wondered, what on earth will I do with these few extra hours of sanity? All those who haven't already gone home, have late crew rehearsal for the opera. They wouldn't be back until check-in hours of the dorms have expired. Hhhhhmmmm........I have a strange feeling that some rule-breaking is in order. After a brilliant suggestion from Spence and Melly, I have decided to stealthily sneak into Wilson hall tonight and watch Aladdin with Devin and Spence, thus beginning my transformation into a teenage rebel. Oh yes. Watch out, all. Next thing you know, I might not even rewind my videos when I take them back to Blockbuster. World domination could only come next......

"A little rebellion now and then...is a medicine necessary for the sound health of government."
Thomas Jefferson

The moment everyone has been waiting for: we opened. Yes, the show was a giant success, playing to packed houses every night. I screwed up my blocking big time on Friday night, but it's alright. Dr. Jones came up to us afterward and said that the show was "Fan-f***ing-tastic". My life is complete. And the audience was floored, too. We could tell that everyone was just like, "whoa" after it was all over. An unbelievable feeling. I had such a great creative experience with this show, I know it's one that I will never be able to recreate (especially without Meghan).

Another cast sleepover at Meghan's after we closed. Man, it was crazy. I had my first bit of alcohol, oh yeah. I had a shot of Absinthe. Yes, Absinthe, how decadent and romanticized is that? Tasted disgrossting, though. Then we all layed down in Meghan's bed, was attacked by a stuffed llama, had Spence try and teach me how to dance (didn't take), actually got some sleep, read some of Meghan's books (I've discovered that she is my soul mate - I want to make wild passionate love to her and then go do naked cartwheels in the forrest). Went to IHOP the next morning, and then wrote a Stage Movement paper in 2 hours. Speck and Spence called me for a movie night, and I gave up and saw 21 Grams, which was really good. What was even better was the fact that Spence was trailing his fingers along my neck and through my hair the entire time I just about died - joygasm, heh.

Last night worked on character analysis for beginning acting all day, but went over and chilled with Greg, Devin, Spence, and Seth later in their room. Watched A Goofy Movie for the first time in 53 years. Played the Jurassic Park tycon style game, and enjoyed watching Devin let the dinosaurs out and eat all the people. Had my neck pleasure again (which sounds really bad out of context), fell down 32 times. All in all a good time. The Greg convinced me to got to IHOP with him until 3 a.m. and finish my Analysis. That was fun. I think I felt like I was a college student for the first time ever, it was weird. Saw Adam Adolpho and Devin there, too. I was assured that, should Adam ever direct Pygmalion, I would be his Eliza. Woot. I had so much fun, and it was productive, too. I'm so glad that the waiters dont care if you stay for 3 hours and only order a cup of coffee.

"How do I not malnutrish them?" - Devin

Today qualifies as one of the very best of my entire life.

Let's begin with last night, technically this morning. Up at the theatre building until 2:15 a.m. sewing, dying, gluing, drying, painting, and listening to the inner working's of Spence's brain. Despite being tired as Hell, I had great fun. More bonding with the cast and crew and whatnot. There's something about sleep deprivation in mass groups that really brings you closer to people. I have such a huge respect for Meghan and Kelly - they are absolutley amazing, and their creativity, passion, and vision astounds me to no end. I have learned so much from them, I really hope they know that.

This morning had to wake up early to rehearse a beginning acting scene with Austin Hebert (who played Pericles), and then perform it an hour later. Now, personally, I think Austin is an arrogant, self absorbed, pompous ass, who can't articulate and enunciate worth his ass. However, he is a good actor who is completely fearless and commits himself to whatever character choices he makes. To me, those two things, fearlessness and committment, are the two most important qualities in an actor. Anyway, we rehearsed the scene, and it went pretty well. There was some....kissing involved. Now, it was in the script, but we switched things around a bit, and added another kiss to the end. I was a bit wary at first, because I've never stage kissed before (and I can't stand Austin), but it was suprisingly pain-free, completely removed from the situation in a way. A bit later, we do the scene for the class. It was a bit different than we rehearsed (he shaked me a lot, and pushed me around,a nd the kiss was really rough - but that's a good thing). When we finished, it felt like there was a house full of people clapping, not just the class. I know that sounds corny, but that's how good it felt. And Mercedes cried. She cried. I don't have any words to describe how that made me feel. I got this feeling of euphoria. That's the entire reason that I want to become an actor - to make people feel. I saw her cryinng, and I was like, "I did that" - I touched her, I made her believe that what I was doing was real, that I was this character. It made me want to cry.

Moving into less sappy territory. Final dress was today. Holy putas. We put our freaking balls to the ceiling!.......Literally, we hung two huge black woofle balls from the light grid. I'm so happy right now because I know we did a kick-ass job. Bangarang. I won't elaborate too much on this, but Audrey liked it, and that really pleased me. It's all good and well for us artsy-weird theatre people to be impressed by the show, but when a normal person says that they like it, that means something to me.

ANd then the thing that topped it all. Got a call from Teppie and she told me that AHS got nominated for 11 Tommy Tune Awards for Fiddler. Hellz yeah! I am so proud, I can't even describe (I can't describe quite a few things). Anyway, a big "L'Chaim" to all you Ausitn H.S. Jews!

"Can we make sure that the body of Christ gets put back in the tuppeware conatainer that says 'body of Christ'?" - Meghan Dwyer