ELECTRICITY!!!!!! (fuck yeah)

In the past 4 days without electricity I have: accumulated a gastly amount of leg hair (which was forced to be put on display because of the scorching temperatures), eaten 6 meals composed entirely of Little Debbie's snack cakes, dumped an ungodly amount of groceries in the dumpster, cleaned cat pee out of far too many things (this really has nothing to do with not having electricity), shacked up in the theatre building for a couple nights to avoid sleeping drenched in sweat, offered my body to electrical workers on the corner in hopes of expediting their process, and wrote an e-mail to the president of my university to get out some aggression over the fact that we still had class today. It went a little something like this:

Hey, [president's name]. I was going to wake up for class this morning, but I couldn't because my alarm clock didn't go off. Because I didn't have electricity. Along with 70% of [town where I go to school]. I'm just saying.
Yours, [my name]

He did write me back and give me his phone number, offering to set up an appointment so I could have a discussion with him. Yeah, I think I know what kind of "discussion" he wants to have...... Maybe those electrical workers talk fast....

The worst disaster movie. EVER.

This hurricane was fucking lame.

First, I should probably express my thanks for Rita deciding to take a northward swing, thereby avoiding my family's house and leaving it perfectly intact. Yeah, everyone is safe and healthy, blah blah fucking blah.

However.

I am thoroughly pissed about the fact that this dumb hurricane decided to come straight for my town (which my family had evacuated to) and proceeded to cause mass hysteria among the residents, only to have it be a dinky storm that half of my friends slept through. Yes, we had 90 mph winds and stinging rains, but that was it. No floods. No spread of disease through mosquito. No plague of locusts. Not even a goddamned window was blown out. I wanted a little water coming underneath the door at least. This has been the most anti-climactic weekend of my life.

Power went out three days ago, and that's the most exciting that's happened. And that friggin' sucks, man. The South. No AC. An apt full of stir crazy family members including two children under 13. SUCKS. ASS.

Rock you like a hurricane

So apparently Katrina and Rita have this whole tag-team thing going on. My family had to evacuate their town and they're staying with me in my apt., but now that the storm is turning north, we're not going to be any better off, really. My dad had to stay back home because he's a police officer, which leads me to believe (with a shudder) my parents almost definitely had sex last night.

By current projections, our house back home will be under 23 feet of water. We just moved into this new house in this new town less than 9 months ago. Fuck you, Rita, fuck you.

You know those sounds you hear that just make you want to punch a baby?

Seeing babies makes me want to punch babies.

At my restaurant, we don't get too many little kids. When we do, the parents have a habit of letting them run fuck wild throughout the restaurant while Mom and Dad have their quiet time (obviously very sexually frustrated because their goddamn kids take up all their free time), expecting the hostess or waiters to babysit. Adding insult to injury, when the parents see their child rolling on the entrance ramp mats they giggle and point and pretend that their little baby is the funniest thing there ever was.

What I want to say to them is, "Excuse me, but your child is rolling around on mats that have been stepped on by approximately 5 billion people. Today. And those people do all sorts of gross things like walk around in dog shit; in fact, that guy did that right before he came in. So, really, you're letting your stupid kid roll around in shit. Thousands, maybe millions of germs and bacteria reside in those mats which he is currently licking. He probably has herpes already."

The worst is when they come up to me and shove their babies in my face, and I'm expected to oogle and coo. Parents look at you and say, "Isn't that cute?" and I'm like, " No. It isn't. Now kindly remove your child from my face, or I'll punch him in the stomach."

Everyone always assume that affection towards children is a universal feeling. Sometimes I feel bad that I don't like kids. Then I hear one crying in a movie theatre, and I remember that I always carry an icepick in my purse.