You know those sounds you hear that just make you want to punch a baby?

Seeing babies makes me want to punch babies.

At my restaurant, we don't get too many little kids. When we do, the parents have a habit of letting them run fuck wild throughout the restaurant while Mom and Dad have their quiet time (obviously very sexually frustrated because their goddamn kids take up all their free time), expecting the hostess or waiters to babysit. Adding insult to injury, when the parents see their child rolling on the entrance ramp mats they giggle and point and pretend that their little baby is the funniest thing there ever was.

What I want to say to them is, "Excuse me, but your child is rolling around on mats that have been stepped on by approximately 5 billion people. Today. And those people do all sorts of gross things like walk around in dog shit; in fact, that guy did that right before he came in. So, really, you're letting your stupid kid roll around in shit. Thousands, maybe millions of germs and bacteria reside in those mats which he is currently licking. He probably has herpes already."

The worst is when they come up to me and shove their babies in my face, and I'm expected to oogle and coo. Parents look at you and say, "Isn't that cute?" and I'm like, " No. It isn't. Now kindly remove your child from my face, or I'll punch him in the stomach."

Everyone always assume that affection towards children is a universal feeling. Sometimes I feel bad that I don't like kids. Then I hear one crying in a movie theatre, and I remember that I always carry an icepick in my purse.