.....and the missing half of this golden amulet......

In order to avoid another debacle of epic proportions, I have devised this. There was quite a bit more, but in the interest of not making myself sound like a bitch, this is what I've come up with:

1. He must not be an actor.

2. Must not be a technician (basically theatre majors are a no-go). This rule extends to all fine-arts; no musicians, writers, actors, techies, artists, etc. Any and all creative types.

3. No smoking, please.

4. Must understand* the following joke:
Q: "How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?"
A: "Fish"
*Note that "understand" does not necessarily mean "laugh at." Your IQ must be this high to go on this ride.

5. Yes, I know that I'll probably never meet David Hyde Pierce, and yes I know he's gay. But just in case some of those variables change (and pigs fly through the air), be prepared to step aside. I've got some business to take care of.

6. Cannot like children. Can like setting them on fire.

7. No accent. I'm a Yankee going to school in the south, and while I've grown accustomed to various degrees of this regional dialect, from slight drawl to hickish twang, this does not mean I have to like it.

8. I'm not very social; I don't go out much, and you probably won't be able to persuade me otherwise. But. When I can be pried from the house, don't object to me looking like this.

9. I'm an actor, not a drama queen. Keep it funny.

10. Must be able to put up with seeing for in very limited intervals. I've got 18 hours a week, and rehearsal from 6-11 every night, then there's studying. It's not that I don't want to see you; I'm just busy. Think of it as me giving you space. So don't even think of complaining that I'm being to clingy.

11. PDA must be strictly limited and regulated.

12. I've got cramps like no other. Get ready to hear about them. Those who are squeamish need not apply.

13. While you are not an artist, be able to appreciate that I am. I don't care if you have no idea what "blocking", "strike", and a "flat" are, but nod and smile like you do. That's all I want. Be able to live with my bohemian/astistic sensibilites.