I thought it was a bird, but it was just a paper bag

Enough. Enough now. In an overly dramatic and severly twisted (if enlightening) turn of events, things are finally over between myself and JB. Yes, I sould have seen it coming, yes, I deserve better. But that doesn't make it any less difficult. I rehearsed breaking up with him every day for the last 3 weeks (and nearly accomplished it twice) but I couldn't do it. I so wanted it to work. It was a mutual parting - we both knew what needed to happen, he just put it into words, and i'm glad he did because I never would have. I would have stayed to long at the party just because I couldn't bring myself to leave - even if the cake was gone and the music sucked. I didn't want to give up because I don't like losing.

It occurs to me that certain people may be reading this who won't like the things that I'm about to say, to which I reply: I am way beyond the point of caring. I've never censored myself here before and I'm not about to start now because of some dumb man and an even dumber situation. Not today. I might fuck some shit up, but at this point I think I've earned the right. My shit has been fucked with enough already, and I've been completely powerless over it. Now I'm getting some of my own back. I'm airing my dirty laundry and am completely unapologetic about it. I need this. And if he loves me as much as he says he does, he won't hate me. It's the truth anyway, and you can't fault me for that.

Yes, this had much to do with His Ex, as I should have realized it would - all the signs were there, I just ignored them. It was nothing she did, not really. She was just a part of the one thing that put things in motion for our eventual demise. If that hadn't happened...... well, there's no use wondering, is there?

There were lies. Oh, my, were there lies. And not just to me, but about me, and to lots of others as well. And he was unbelievably selfish; normally I'm the selfish one, so this came as a bit of a shock. I've never been cheated on before, and FYI: it sucks like a drunk cheerleader, especially when you don't know about it until the end and are then told it isn't any of your business. That's when I started to realize that it all goes way beyond just he and I, this is about who he is as a person, and his issues that he needs to deal with. I was ready to stick it out and make it work, and for a while so was he. Then it became apparent to both of us (as different times) that this was not something that could be fixed together.

He's still in love with her. Says he's still in love with me. Whatev. He just needs to figure out what the hell he wants. I'm just sad I was dragged down because he couldn't bring himself to stop this whole thing right when he knew he felt this way.

Thing weren't always awful, though. The first half was amazing (and then the thing happened that changed it all) - he adopted on my speech patterns and inflection, he became great friends with The Boys, and I learned that I can, in fact, enjoy cuddling. Hell, we even lit stuffed bears on fire together. In retrospect I realize that this is the shortest relationship that I've ever been in - and that's saying something - but it felt like the longest by far.

Things I have learned from this relationship:
1. Text messenging is the coward's way of communication.
2. Love makes people do both really great and really fucked up things.
3. Anyone who makes you wait around for them that much is not worth waiting for at all.
4. When that much Ex drama is involved, it is time to GO.
5. You shouldn't always think the worst of people, but neither can you always think the best of them. Blind spots BLOW.
6. Just because you have to work at sex, doesn't mean it can't be good.
7. BE CAREFUL.

I can't even bring myself to cry. I'm all out of tears. But despite all this, I still like him very much. I want him to be happy, and learn how to be a better person, get past this, and not do this to anyone else; I want what's best for him. But at the same time he's now so unattractive to me. He was so everything that I wanted, he was my ideal - aside from the pathological lying, and the bourgeoning alcoholism, and the emotional baggage. Maybe I can find that again.

And now for a little public service announcement to JB and His Ex (oh, he's going to be pissed about this. Whatev. He's torn apart my life and treated me like dirt, I'm entitled): As soon as you guys realize what you really want, be honest with eachother and say how you feel. It's going to make things so much easier, whatever the outcome. Invite no more third parties (which is, I suppose, a bit hipocritical since I'm writing about it here) who know more of the truth than either of you together.

And I'm fully expecting some e-mails after this, but I don't know if I can read them at this point, I'm sorry.

And so I close this chapter. I haven't the slightest what's going to happen in the next, but my rough draft looking promising. It's a beautiful day and I'm going for a walk.