Tuesday, April 18, 2006

The Un-Domestic Goddess

Fuck sewing.

Every sewing machine one the face of the earth can go suck my hypothetical left nut, especially the ones in the costume shop at my university. I am not fabrically inclined - I cannot sew, pin, stitch, cut, or do anything remotely costume related without screwing it up. The only thing I can pull off with some modicum of efficiency is seam-ripping, which is exactly what it sounds like: ripping seams, an idiot proof task.

I have been working on building this bodice for over a month. That is too long! And for a while, I was cool, working at the right pace, piecing everything together exactly as I should. Then today sucked my will to live as I had to re-stitch my shoulder seams not once, not twice, not even three times (because only an idiot would do that), but FOUR TIMES (which makes me a fucking idiot, a slight but subtle difference). This project will never end. I will be doomed to spend all eternity with my foot strapped to the pedal of a Singer.

This only reinforces my theory that I was accidentally given two X-chromosomes. I cannot cook, sew, curl my hair, or paint my nails without an epic disaster occuring. I need someone to make me feel like a woman.

8 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

did i ever tell you the day or days i should say that i got so frustrated with my self that i started crying at the machine?

you will be allright. i promise. and i always founds seam ripping theraputic

red.

11:54 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You want to feel like a woman? Come to my place. I'll make you feel like a woman.

-Jorph

2:39 AM  
Blogger Spark of Life said...

Goddamnit, Jorph. I should have known......

10:12 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

whenever i get aggrivated with something i chunk it out the window, literally. but i guess you cant do that, seeing as how its school property. you should just smother shaving cream over it.

-Mel

11:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Do you mean that you think is was only by accident that you received two x chromosomes? Because if there's any question in your mind, all women (including you) have two "x" chromosomes. If you're still not convinced, reread the following excerpts from your post:

"Fuck sewing...Every sewing machine one the face of the earth can go suck my hypothetical left nut...I cannot sew, pin, stitch, cut, or do anything remotely costume related without screwing it up. The only thing I can pull off with some modicum of efficiency is seam-ripping...I have been working on building this bodice for over a month. That is too long!...Then today sucked my will to live as I had to re-stitch my shoulder seams not once, not twice, not even three times (because only an idiot would do that), but FOUR TIMES...This project will never end. I will be doomed to spend all eternity with my foot strapped to the pedal of a Singer...I need someone to make me feel like a woman."

Now compare this to what a male (an "x" and a "y" chromosome) would see reading the same thing:

"Fuck. Suck nut, screwing it. Modicum of seam-ripping this bodice for a month. That too long, sucked not once, not twice, not three times, but FOUR TIMES! Will never end. Spend all eternity strapped to someone to feel woman."

Acute cases of masculinity will even add and rearrange words. There's no point in going into that here though. As long as you can perceive a difference between the two passages, you're all the woman you'll ever need to feel. I mean...you'll need to feel all women...NO! MUST BE STRONG! I'm going to have to go away now.

10:10 AM  
Blogger Spark of Life said...

What. the hell. was that.

That doesn't sound like the Cosmonaut, but if it is, I'll find you later. I fell like doing some rabble-rousing....

6:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, but it wasn't Cosmonaut. It was someone else on your list who wouldn't have had the guts to sign their name to truth that they couldn't have handled.

By the way I'm aware of the fact that I just negated two subjunctive modal verbs with contractions in the last sentence. Say what you will, it's syntactically correct and I'm standing by it!

7:10 PM  
Blogger Spark of Life said...

Is this President Chris the Kankle?

Or....John...?

And am i insulting one by inferring the other?

9:26 PM  

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