I think I had a revelation. I know, holy crap.

Okay, I was thinking about being a theatre major and what I'm going to do when I get out of school. I've always said that my dream job would be being a character in Disneyworld. What people don't get is, I'm not kidding; I think it would be so great. I never really considered going off to LA/NY and trying to Julia Roberts-ify myself, it just never occurred to me, it was never something that I wanted. I always thought that if I tried acting professionally, I would go for the stage. But I guess I always thought that that would be way too......I dunno....unstable. Working at Disney (as silly as it may sound) was stable; grounded. It's still performing, to a certain extent, but w/o having to worry where I'll get my next paycheck. But then I got to thinking. If I did work there, how long would it last, really? Let's say I get a job as Belle (I know, no one saw that coming). I'd do it for maybe 5 years before I'd be too old, right? What would I do then? Then I thought some more. I thought: maybe I'll teach. Yeah, that would be supercool. Be like little Cummons. But then I'd never get to perform, I'd be teaching other people how, and I don't know if I could deal with that ( and I don't want to be like Peschel and cast myself in a show I'm directing just b/c I can). Then I got into the really deep stuff. In deciding to do these things, am I settling? I mean, none of these things really involves that much ambition. These jobs would be great, and I'd be perfectly content w/ them, but is contentment what I want? Is it enough for me to be content, or would I want something more? So many people that I know plan to go out and try and "make it", and I keep wondering if I'm selling myself short by not doing the same. I mean, I think that I have a small modicum of talent, but is it worth risking a stable life to try and make a living off of it? I love to what I do, and I can't see my life without it, but more than that, I don't know what I would do w/o it. Literally, it's all I've got. I can't see myself doing anything else, and I don't know if I'd be good at anything else, either. I guess what I'm trying to say through all of this rambling is that I've always known exactly what I want, and now I don't and it scares me. I dunno, maybe I should just scrap it all and become a nun.

"Sometimes I lie awake at night and wonder 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night'." - Charlie Brown